Premature Adjudication

We're a bunch of law students who all live together and want to write a blog. Well, only three of us want to write, but the others may pop in occasionally. We have no true purpose, but I bet you'll see a lot about sports, current events, and general randomness. Don't worry bar admissions people we are both of high moral character and physically fit.

Wednesday, June 28, 2006

The Twilight Zone


I'm clerking in a town that I'm not from. I couldn't find a good place to live so I ended up finding an apartment that prorated and was furnished. Turns out that it was basically an old hotel so my "studio apartment" is basically an old hotel room with a stove. I'm poor until I get a paycheck so I don't have cable, but I want to watch the NBA draft (I hadto see where Renaldo Balkman went) so I came to the clubhouse to watch the big screen tv and use the wireless internet that doesn't quite reach my room. Man, this is a weird place. First thing I see when I walk in is three guys sitting at the bar area eating a watermelon. One barely speaks English, the other mumbles, and the third is the "security guard" who looks like Vizzini from the Princess Bride. Then, while I'm trying to ignore this freak show chowing face first down on their watermelon, another guy skips through the room talking like a high energy Rain Man and proceeds to eat a hamburger. Another guy has repeated about five times how the man reading the names of the draft picks for the second round of the NBA draft is retiring after this year. Like anyone cares. Needless to say, I fit right in with this crowd. Oh the things I will do to watch tv and use the internet.

BBQ Nachos and Presidential Politics

For whatever reason, all I could think about during the barbri lecture yesterday was BBQ nachos from Big Bad Wolves...so that must mean we're getting close to football season...in fact we are 65 days from kickoff. Roll Tide!

The other pressing issue on my mind (in addition to venue and interpleader) was who will be the next president of the USA? From where I'm sitting, it looks like Hillary will run away with the Dem nomination and will face Bill Frist (ala Bob Dole) and will whoop his ass. The only Republicans who can beat her are Rudy Giuliani and John McCain, but I doubt either has the clout to get the nomination in 2 years.

So what is the connection between nachos and politics, you ask? Precisely this: My back-up plan is to open Big Bad Wolves franchise in Australia.

Sunday, June 25, 2006

Why It's Best To Get Married In A Church



No argument here. Anyone else?


P.S. Hey PartyBoy, you and PartyGirl were married at the beach weren't you? But I guess it doesn't count if the naked people in your wedding pictures are part of the wedding party, does it?

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

$100 For a Burger???


100 bucks for a burger? What man?

I don't care if it can wash my car while dancing the Macarena, I seriously doubt a burger can legitimately be valued at $100.


I can only imagine the Visa Commercial that is in the works...

Nice shirt: $75
Flowers for your girlfriend when you pick her up: $50
Sharing a dessert with her after dinnner: $15
Realizing you just paid $100 for a burger at some bullshit restaurant: PRICELESS

My Apologies

Sorry guys, I've had absolutely nothing to write about lately. Summer is hell for blog material. I think it's because I'm not sitting idly in front of my computer during Secured Credit. I'm going to try to make a comeback here pretty soon, but I can't guarantee anything. It may take until school is back in to get a good flow going again. Anyway, a couple of quick notes that didn't warrant their own blogs.

1. I went to two District Court dockets yesterday, the 9:00 AM and the 1:30 PM. They're open to the public, so anything I tell you, you could have found out on your own. We did an informal count and we found that at least half of the cases due for trial got dismissed because the DA wasn't ready. I know that the DAs have a lot to do, but when you can't present your cases in court because you called the wrong cop to come in and testify, you may have a problem. Luckily they were all misdemeanors so no one cares anyway, right?

2. Anyone remember Keenan and Kel? Just kind of funny to me, but somehow Keenan is on SNL now. I know it's not really a feat or anything these days, but it beats the KFC commercial that I just saw Kel on.

3. Ok, Ok, the Heat won the NBA Finals, we get it. Do they really have to talk about it for four hours straight on every sports channel? Just give me the score, some highlights, and a congratulations. We don't need to dissect how they did it, it's over. Move on.

4. See what I mean about lack of blog material?

Sunday, June 18, 2006

US Open Final Round Live

As a preliminary matter, I found out this morning when I examined the sticker on the deli meat I purchased yesterday, that the PDWIQ (publix deli worker in question) gave me 0.33 and 0.36 lbs of smoked turkey and barbecue chicken, respectively--when I ordered 0.50 lb of each. I have no problem with anything from 0.425 to 0.75 lb when I order 0.50 lb--but 0.33?? No, that is prima facie evidence of bullshit.

Okay, bygones...on to the golf. It is 400pm and I have just returned home from the law college after making criminal procedure note cards all morning.


400pm: Phil is on #10 tee at +4, 1 shot back of Ogilvy.

411pm: Ogilvy makes bogey and is tied with Phil, Montie (are you kidding me?), and Furyk. Singh and Harrington are one back at +5. Can you say shootout?

416pm: KABOOM! Phil makes birdie at 11. alone at the top at +3...and NY'ers go wild!

435pm: Phil pars 12, still a one shot lead. There are 7 players within 3 shots of the lead...amazing!

442pm: Ogilvy nearly holes a bunker shot at 13. Phil has just hit a terrible shot on the par 3 13th, short-siding himself in the Ogilvy bunker.

445pm: Hey Kenneth Fairie, can you go get me a hot plate of see you later? Thanks.

449pm: Phil lips the 10 footer for par. Tied at +4 with Harrington and Ogilvy.

503pm: Phil birdies 14! 2 shot lead with 4 to play! Furyk, Harrington, Montie, Ogilvy are 2 back.

513pm: Anonymous Roommate just MySpace-stalked some 20 year-old Shelton State chicks.

515pm: Phil has a 4 footer for par on 15 to maintain his 2 shot lead. Harrington just boyeyed 16 and 17...lates.

515pm: Phil makes it! 2 shot lead and 3 to play. 3 holes which the late Dave Marr (former winner of the PGA Championship) called the 3 most difficult finishing holes in golf. This is it. The tournament is Phil's to win.

526pm: Phil plugs it in the front bunker on 16...only good news is he has a decent amount of room between himself and the hole.

529pm: Montie birdies 17. A Mickelson bogey at 16 and we have a tie ball game...just like that!

533pm: Furyk posts +6 and Harrington posts +7. Thanks for coming out.

542pm: Phil hits a tits shot from the left rough and is about 35 feet below the hole. We'll take it. Monty just dumped it short right on 18...his chance of making birdie is slim. He gets up and down and Phil has to par 18 to force a playoff.

546pm: Monty blows it 30 feet past. He misses and Phil pars 18=Phil wins.

553pm: Phil at +4, just hit fucking driver off the hospitality tent on 18. Ogilvy is at +5 and has to get up and down to force Phil to make par in order to win.

555pm: Ogilvy hits a great pitch to 7 feet or so. This is some pretty hot shit!

557pm: Ok, Ogilvy's putt for par...MADE IT! Ogilvy is in at +5. Phil has to make par to win. Pretty simple scenario: go big or go home.

600pm: Phil hit a tree and went backwards...holy shit. Now he's playing for 5 and a playoff...unbelievable. And apparently now he is going over the trees. All or nothing.

602pm: Phil is plugged in the left bunker. Has to get up and down to win.

Johnny Miller is barbecuing Phil saying he shouldn't have hit driver on 18 when he just needed par to win.

605pm: Phil is absolutely screwed. Given the lie there is little chance that he can keep it on the green. But again, this is Phil. He may have been waiting for this shot his entire life. Roll the dice big fella.

607pm: Over the green. Phil has to hole his chip to force a playoff. I am in shock. Someone go get me a scotch. Make it a double.

609pm: It's over. Congratulations to Geoff Ogilvy.

And holy shit is right. I am out.

Saturday, June 17, 2006

Publix Deli Worker Part Deux

Not to reprise a post previous, but I too just had a rather unsavory experience with the aforementioned Publix Deli worker. See supra Housecat's post of 5/10.

On with it...I causally approached the deli and he asked me what I wanted. I promptly and succintly responded. He proceeded to mumble something about how he had been there since 4am (to which I wanted to respond: I have been sitting in barbri for 7 hours--kiss my grits). He then mumbled something in my general direction, which I perceived to be a question. Since I don't speak mumble I thought he wanted me to order again, so I began to say "1/2 lb of tur..." at which point he interrupted and, as though irritated at me, said in a loud voice "Boar's Head or Publix?" Clearly, he had gotten my order correct the first time, but he could not remember (because it was 13 seconds ago) which brand of turkery I preferred.

At this point, I thought, "Housecat was right, that guy is a dick." Clearly, this man is not right in the head, and that is unfortunate. The bottom line is that he should probably be employed in a capacity where his surly demeanor won't be a such a liability. Thus, I would like to ask you all what occupations we should recommend to him?

My two cents: (1) Fire-watcher, or (2) Underachiever

What say you?

Thursday, June 15, 2006

Ann Coulter



Did anyone see Ann Coulter last night on Leno? I am definitely a fan. Come on, how can you not be attracted to a leggy blonde whose diet reportedly consists of red wine, cigarettes, and liberals? Not this cowboy.

I rarely take politics personally, so to me she is entertainment. I definitely agree with her more often than not, but I do appreciate that her perogative is to piss people off so they go and buy her book (which, apparently, is currently #1). Thus my question to you all is this: Do you think political commentators are more "personalities" or primarily "intellectuals." That is, is Ann Coulter (or others like Hannity/Colmes/Limbaugh, etc) motivated by her desire to express her political opinion OR rather does she decide she's a conservative and then do whatever is necessary to piss off liberals and get herself in the news? The answer, obviously, is a combination, but I'm curious what you all think. So say something.

P.S. Leno asked her if she had ever had/would have sex with a democrat and she said no...so I've still got a chance! Scoops and Roll Tide!

Monday, June 12, 2006

US Open Preview

The US Open is this week at Winged Foot (West) in Mamaroneck, NY. Winged Foot is a brilliant A.W. Tillinghast design (including inter alia San Francisco Golf Club (CA), Somerset Hills (NJ), Quaker Ridge (NY), Ridgewood Country Club (NJ), Baltursol Upper and Lower (NJ), and Bethpage Black (NY) to name a few) and should provide a great week of TV.

Winged Foot was the site of the 1974 "massacre" won by Hale Irwin (his first of 3 opens) at an astounding 7 over par. The Foot was also the site of the 1984 US Open (one of the first bricks on the "majors Greg Norman should have won" wall) and the 1997 PGA Championship won by Davis Love III (you may recall the rainbow shining through as DL III putted out on the 72nd hole to defeat Justin Leonard by several shots). Yours truly has played the Foot (during college) and consider it one of the finest golf courses I have ever played.

That being said, I, along with everyone with a pulse, would like to see Tiger and Phil be clear of the field and duel it out in the final group on Sunday afternoon. Tiger has the Father's Day karma working for him, but Phil has won the last 2 majors (last year's PGA being played on a Tillinghast course, Baltusrol) and may have visions of the Grand Slam dancing through his married-to-and-banging-a-former-Phoenix-Suns-cheerleader head. Keep in mind that when Bobby Jones won the Grand Slam in 1930 the British Open was played at Hoylake, and has not again been played there...until next month when the British Open returns.

If Phil or Tiger do not win, allow me to suggest Adam Scott (4 top-4 finishes in his last 4 starts), Vijay Singh (won last week at Westchester), and Davis Love III (who undoubtedly has fond memories of the Foot). All 3 are premiere ball-strikers and have the perfect style of game to fit the demanding test they will encounter. As always, I will pulling for the Americans and have no compunction about throwing down a Benjamin on Tiger and Phil against the field.

Sunday, June 11, 2006

Entourage: Live Blog

To celebrate the re-emergence of Entourage, we're gonna try this live blogging thing. Helmet is present, I am present, and so is he-who-will-not-be-named:

9:01 - Starts with a recap of last season on Entourage. I realized that I probably should have refreshed my memory by watching season 2 before this.

9:03 - Johnny Drama has some high standards when it comes to women. What is "top tall"? I think that defines Helmet.

9:04 - Ranch party = Feeding Frenzy. Kind of like a movie premier.

9:05 - "You're Asian Lloyd, you should be all neat and stuff." Stereotyping is bad.

9:07 - "You'll remember this week like the week you got your first blowjob." That week will be soon for Helmet.

9:09 - I bet Vince's mom is hot. Something is just telling me that she should be.

9:10 - Well, she's not right there, but I bet she could be. Nope, not hot. Not at all.

9:12 - When did that annoying Long Island lady get pregnant? Did we miss something? Was she pregnant at the end of last season? How much time has passed? I'm confused.

9:14 - The other guys are amazed that Frank the Tank's wife from Old School is Ari's wife.

9:16 - "Does that make me a pussy?" Great question.

9:17 - James Woods' girl has some massive bombs. "Hey, get your own girlfriend." I'll be sure to use that one someday.

9:17 - The law of Turtle... Possession is two-fifths of the law.

9:19 - And now James Woods is going to lay down the law. 5 seconds... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1... And he got tricked. Disappointment. James Woods can kick some ass.

9:21 - I'd definitely take Jessica Biel to a premiere over my mom. No offense Mom but I got needs.

9:23 - Great, more middle aged old ladies. At least they're from Long Island. Nothing brings comedy like a bunch of broads from Long Island.

9:25 - I'm pretty sure James Woods is about to go postal. And he disappoints yet again. Damn you James Woods.

9:26 - What's with Ari being nice to his wife? They had the perfect relationship before, no need to mess that all up.

9:26 - And it's over. That was pretty disappointing, I'm pretty sure it only lasted like 20 minutes. They better spice this shit up next week.

All I know is that I'm a terrible live blogger, but I'll try to get better.

Please Geaux To LSU

Thanks Jim Wells, dick. Thanks for doing everything you could to lose that game last night and keep us out of the College World Series. PartyBoy and I were ready to spring for a RV and roll with the Tide all the way to mother-f'ing Omaha.

I mean, BUNTING in the FIRST INNING with our BEST HITTER??? With 2 on and no out...who does that? Did you sniff glue before the game? 8 runners left on base in the first THREE INNINGS and we only scored 2 RUNS????? What is this? The California Penal League????

And then you leave in our badass freshman pitcher in the 8th inning when you should have taken him out in the 7th--if not the 6th inning--and he gives up a 3 run dinger??? I think you were the only person (out of the 6,000 people at the game) who didn't think he should come out. But I guess you don't care if you ruin the confidence of the ace of our pitching staff for the next three years because you will be speaking Cajun in the 'Bayou next week.

Good riddance...I hope you choke on some jambalaya and then get eaten by an alligator. And learn how to walk, hunchback.

Friday, June 09, 2006

Show and Tell

Well, I'm bored, I don't feel like writing, so I checked the AP stories on Yahoo! News and I got some pretty interesting stuff to share...

Middle Eastern Romance

Apparently this 16-year-old girl was flying to Jordan to see some guy she met on MySpace. This guy must have offered her some pretty good candy to get her to fly all the way to the Middle East. The best part of the story is that the girl tricked her parents into letting her get a passport by saying she was going to go on a trip with her friend's parents to Canada. Canada?! How stupid are her parents? I don't think you even need a passport to go there. Talk about being out of touch.

These Guys Are Real Gamers

Next time you guys refer to me as a "gamer" for playing my Xbox, think about this. They're actually setting up a detox clinic in Amsterdam for people addicted to video games. Insert requisite Amsterdam/addiction joke here. But seriously, you can get addicted to video games? Nerds.

Cat Fights on Reality TV

If that last one didn't make you think the world was coming to an end, this one will. Apparently Animal Planet is doing a cat reality TV show where they take ten cats picked from animal shelters all over the country to live in a house. The cats will be voted off until one remains. That one will win an executive-level job with Meow-Mix cat food (executive level job?). I just hope they get a good cross-section of feline society. They obviously need one bulemic/anorexic cat with daddy issues, one cartoonishly gay cat, one angry black cat, one fratty white cat from Georgia, and one cat who is there but never gets shown. I wonder why Fox didn't pick this one up.

Underage Porn in Court

Apparently, in court a judge is going to let the media and public see a video where R. Kelly has sex with an underage girl. Wow. If you're into that sort of thing, head for Chicago.

Dartmouth Frat Under Attack

This one is for Helmet. Apparently that frat at Dartmouth, Alpha Delta, which served as the inspiration for the Deltas in Animal House was raided by police. They apparently carried away ten crates, a computer, and other items. They aren't specifying what was in those crates, but if the rest of the people at Dartmouth are anything like Lord Helmet over here, I bet it's something that R. Kelly can be proud of.

Watch Out for Flying Chihuahuas


Seeing as how we are desparately in need of another blog post in order to move past that last one, I decided to scour the internet and look for something remotely funny that I could put up here. Of course, I'm too lazy right now to do anything that even remotely resembles scouring, but I found this article on CNN.com that gave me quite a chuckle. Don't get me wrong, I don't generally find dead puppies amusing, but when they are used as weapons I think it's ok to laugh a little. I guess it's a good thing for the breeder that these were Chihuahua pups rather than Great Danes.

Anyway, back to proving that I can procrastinate in the summer too. The 3-4 page reflective essay for my externship should be finished in about 5-6 hours.

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

The Great Baseball Debate


Sorry I haven't posted lately, I have blogger's block and there isn't much going on in my life besides cancelled motions to suppress, tv, and sleep. Really not all that exciting.

Anyway, those of us left at the Ranch started arguing today about whether or not baseball sucks. Ephraim, he of the logical arguments, said that, well, baseball sucks. His arguments were that it was boring and not as good as football, which I'm pretty sure proves everything. Helmet and I, who were engaged in a game of catch at that very moment, disagreed, basing our logic on our own subjective enjoyment of baseball. Another compelling case. Eventually it got into an argument about attendance, which really proves nothing because the two sports are like apples and Volkswagens when it comes to attendance. Baseball has a lot of games, higher attendance overall, but less demand per game. Football has few games, lower attendance overall, but packed houses every game. Not really comparable, nor relevant at all to the overall question of whether baseball sucks.

So, I guess my point is that I want to know what everyone else thinks about it. Here's the question, does baseball suck? I'm not asking what sport you like the most, just whether you think baseball, and baseball alone, sucks. I don't even care for your reasoning, just let the world know your opinion.

This poll is obviously very scientific and will be used to decide the ultimate issue once and for all, so please, answer carefully.

Sunday, June 04, 2006

This Just In

Studying for the bar exam is a huge buzzkill.

Please share your favorite memories from when you yourself took the bar exam or, for those of you like me, your most cherished experience from our first week of barbri.