Premature Adjudication

We're a bunch of law students who all live together and want to write a blog. Well, only three of us want to write, but the others may pop in occasionally. We have no true purpose, but I bet you'll see a lot about sports, current events, and general randomness. Don't worry bar admissions people we are both of high moral character and physically fit.

Wednesday, May 31, 2006

PA Caption Contest

This is a picture of a UT fan at the Masters.

Do your best...or your worst...or whatever. Allow me to get the ball rolling

1. Fulmer...Fulmer...sausage...Fulmer...Fulmer...dirt bikes...Fulmer...Fulmer...hound dogs...Fulmer...Fulmer...

2. These Rocky Mountains sure aren't very rocky...yeah, that John Denver guy is full of shit!

3. I can't believe that UF fan is wearing jorts...totally stole my idea!

4. Leave Augusta at 5pm...puts us into Dollywood around 8.

5. She sure is purdy, I wonder if she's going to eat that?

Ok, now it's your turn.

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

Notes from the SEC Baseball Tourney

Helmet and I went to the second half of day 1 of the SEC Baseball Tourney to watch the Tide. We lost, but I have a few observations:

1. Alabama may have lost the baseball game to LSU, but they dominated in the jorts spotting contest. We counted something like 15-20 Alabama fans wearing full fledged jorts while we only counted 1-2 other fans wearing jorts. Of course, we have to take into account that Alabama fans outnumbered all the other fans there combined because we were in Hoover and that Florida and Mississippi State didn't make the tourney. I'm sure that if Florida was involved we would have counted somewhere around a hundred fans with gold chains, jorts, and glow sticks.

2. LSU won the shirtless fans contest by a count of 3-2. Go figure.

3. There was one walking faux paus in attendance tonight. This guy was a real life model of what not to do at a sporting event, kind of like that guy Oliver who is a real life example of what not to do in life. First off, this guy was wearing a jersey of a team not involved (the Boston Red Sox) in the sporting event. This wasn't a t-shirt or some other merchandise like the guy's favorite hat. It was a full on jersey which he was only wearing to show people that he had a jersey. If you want to dress in full Red Sox regalia, then go to Boston buddy. Second, this jersey that he was sporting had HIS name on the back. Well, I'm assuming it was his name because he had Jason Varitek's number and a random name on the back. Plus I'm pretty sure Red Sox home jerseys don't have names on the back. This is a major no, no. Do not become that tool who payed good money for a jersey only to spoil it by putting your own name on it. Third, he was wearing jorts. Enough said. And fourth, he was wearing a visor to a baseball game. Others may not have a problem w/ this, but baseball is a game of hats. Chicks playing softball wear visors. Don't be a chick. Luckily he wasn't wearing sweat bands or a cell phone clip because he might have just burst into flames right there.

4. Spencer Pennington is about as bad at playing first base as he is at playing quarterback. It seems like whenever anyone on either team messes up, Spencer is somehow involved.

5. They really need to sell beer at college sporting events. I like going to baseball games, but there's no doubt in my mind that going to the park is greatly enhanced by a flat, warm beer. Especially when Spencer Pennington is prominently involved.

6. LDD is going to love this post.

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

I Hate to Flood the Blog with Crap, but...

well, you know.

I'm not sure what to make of this link, but I'm a little creeped out. If I didn't love bacon so much I might not ever eat it again.

Way to Go Juwan

Derrick Thomas Community Award winner Juwan Simpson just got nabbed for possessing mary jane, carrying an unlicensed firearm, and receiving stolen property. Needless to say, I'm proud of him; it was about time one of our players rose up and made us look good in the Fulmer Cup standings. I for one was feeling quite embarrassed at getting outdone by the likes of Delaware and Mississippi State. Here's to hoping that John Parker Wilson can get back on track and garner us a few more Cup points.

In all seriousness though, how bad does this make us look. I mean, we gave him a community award. He's supposed to be a model player with his double major and stuff, and he's a senior leader. That's definitely the kind of example we need to be setting for the young guys Simpson. No more Jaeger Bombs at Gallette's for you.

PA Turns 100!!! And Coincidentally So Does LDD!!!

This is the 100th post on PA...congratulations to us!

And a tardy Happy Birthday to our favorite son, LDD!

PA would like to invite LDD to make a guest appearance. In his 30+ years he must have learned something from which we can all benefit. What say you LDD???

Saturday, May 20, 2006

Of Mountains and Marriotts

Wednesday evening I got a call from PartyBoy..."Hey dude, I'm meeting my uncles tomorrow morning in the mountains to play this new track they heard about--want to come?" Knowing that shenanigans would no doubt ensue, I nevertheless replied in the affirmative...and stautes of Jesus, the Virgin Mary, and Bear Bryant worldwide had tears run down their collective cheeks.

The golf was spectacular--not only because Lord Helmet made 4 birdies on the front side--but because the views, weather, and beer were top notch. When the dust settled, the good guys beat the bad guys out of 12 bucks and both cars loaded up to return home. The uncles predictably retraced their steps from the morning and were tucked into bed by 900pm. The other car, however equally predictable, did not return from whence it came. Rather...

PartyBoy: So you going out when we get back home?
Lord Helmet: I guess, not like you're going to give me a choice.
PartyBoy: Nope.
Lord Helmet: Hell, since we're already here why don't we just head into the nearby city and see what we can get into?
PartyBoy: Interesting idea you have there. Yes, provocative...
Lord Helmet: I mean I've never been out in this town before. I hear their minor league stadium and all the downtown bars sit right on the river. Might be worth a shot. You know we can't do shit like this next year when we're working...
PartyBoy: Ok. Sold!
Lord Helmet: Scoops!

Subsequently, calls were placed to wives, moms, and parole officers to inform them of the slight deviation from our original plan. The car was then parked conveniently within walking distance to the stadium (which was in fact hosting a game that night...nice), to all the downtown bars (which our friend T, a native of said town, expertly described to us via text message), and to a Marriott (into which we planned to deposit ourselves roughly 6 hours later).

We enjoyed a 5-4 victory by the home team, saw 3 home runs, ate 2 stadium dogs each, watched the visitor's manager get tossed (although he did have a legit complaint), and heckled the other team's first baseman, a "number 20" who booted 2 balls and struck out 3 times.

Having succesfully completed the 1st part of our mission at the ballgame (which was to drink), we then turned our attention to parts 2-4 (which, incidentally, were to drink) and based on T's advice headed to a place we'll call BRG. We quickly made friends with several locals and then proceeded to a certain joint with a roof top bar. From there we migrated...

...and the story picks up the next morning on our way home at a Pizza Hut buffet. Sorry, I have to leave something to your imagination. However, much like the adorable 4th graders on South Park, I learned something yesterday: wait, no I didn't.

Ah Roll Tide!

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

Dirty Mexican

At the Ranch, we often have ideas. One of those ideas was to start our own restaurant. I can't say too much about it b/c it is top secret, but I will say that this seems like it might be the Mexican version of what we have in mind.

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

Don't Look at Me, You Work at the Publix Deli

I'm not generally one to judge a person by their station in life, but sometimes people just make me do it. Yesterday, a friend and I, we'll call him Diamonds, went to Publix to get a pre-exam sandwich. Publix has an awesome deli with great sandwiches, wraps, and chicken, but often the deli workers are lazy, apathetic, and straight-up rude. I guess I would be too if I got paid $7 an hour to slice meat for a living. Anyway, we're sitting there waiting for our sandwiches to be made and this fat, slovenly deli worker with a massive inferiority complex and a 14-year-old's mustache comes into our general vicinity and starts pouring ranch straight out of a tub and into a little to go cup. I don't know if you know what ranch looks like when it is being poured out of such a tub, but it looks like straight fat leaking out of a 250 pound sea donkey's thigh. The whole scene was reminiscent of Hurley and his ranch obsession on Lost. Diamonds and I looked at each other, back at the ranch, then made disgusted faces. I think I even groaned a little. The fat, slovelny deli worker somehow took offense to this. He, of course, looked like the type of fellow who takes straight shots of ranch and washes them down with chicken wings. In the typical, "I'm a loser who works at the Publix Deli" fashion, he asked us what we were looking at and why we had funny looks on our faces. Yes... that is correct, we got shit-talked to by the fat, backwoods Publix Deli worker... while he was on the job! Apparently he missed the training video on customer service. Diamonds and I didn't really understand what happened until we walked out, but we chalked it up to his station in life. If I had already met my ceiling by working at the Publix Deli, I'd probably be pissed too. But here's a free piece of advice you fat moron, don't talk shit to customers who can go and get you fired from your dream job. Next thing you know you'll be selling meth out of your bathtub. Who am I kidding, you probably already are.

Friday, May 05, 2006

Leinart: Just Another Hot Dog in the Hallway

Word on the street is that everyone's favorite goldenchild/quarterback, Matt Leinart, is now tagging everyone's favorite revolving door/hotel heiress, Paris Hilton. I can't see how this can be good for his football career, but I guess he just gave up after getting drafted by the Arizona Cardinals. Everyone knows that he was just using his football player status to get tail anyway. I'd just make her get tested first Matt. Better to be safe than sorry.

On a wow-they-might-all-go-to-hell-for-this note, I ran across some rather startling news while "researching" the whole Leinart/Hilton thing. This might be old news, but apparently some Indian director has sent a feeler to Paris Hilton about playing Mother Teresa in an upcoming movie. Hehe, he sent her a "feeler." Anyway, his reasoning for this is that he was impressed by Paris' refusal to take her clothes off for Playboy. Apparently he doesn't have the Internet, or read the news, or watch the Simple Life. I'm guessing that he's just a horny old guy stuck in India who has a thing for ridiculously slutty blondes. But to play the Mother Teresa card, isn't that taking it a little too far?

Thursday, May 04, 2006

Sticky Situation

Don't ever say that the AIM Today newspage can't bring you some good tidbits. This one in particular is well worth the 20 seconds it takes to read. That is what you get for going to take a dump in the Wal-Mart bathroom.

Like Father Like Son?

OK, if Housecat can go political so can I. Drudge is currently reporting that a car accident occurred Thursday at approximately 2:45 AM involving Representative Patrick Kennedy (D. Rhode Island). No big deal, but apparently a few quick thinking capitol police officers called their watch commanders and the whole thing was handled "discreetly."

Now here's the kicker, get ready, there is speculation that he was drunk when he narrowly swerved to miss the capitol police cruiser and slammed his ride into some security pylons in front of a building. Even better, dude didn't even have his freaking lights on! His smooth talking father's personality quickly bubbled to the surface as Kennedy exited the vehicle, and reportedly played the "do you know who I am" card. This officer on the scene says that he composes himself and then asserts that he is Patrick Kennedy, a congressman from Rhode Island, and that he was late for a vote. LATE FOR A VOTE! The best part of this is that Congress had adjourned like 3 hours prior. So anyway, the officer calls the watch commander, the watch commander calls off all the patrols and there's no walkie the line or ABC's for the congressman.

Sound familiar? Give this cat some credit, unlike his father, at least there's not a dead chick sleeping with the fishes after his car accidents. But for future reference its good to know that if your in DC and need a ride home from the bar, look for the nearest Kennedy. You won't have to sweat DUI's and jail, although you may have to speed down First Street at 2:45 AM with your lights off. Like him or not, at least Bush took his DUI like a grown man, and then fessed up to it when asked. I guess that kind of character may be lacking when the male influence in your life is Ted Kennedy.

Wednesday, May 03, 2006

Birthdays and Contests

Yesterday, the Ranch failed to wish one of the most loyal readers of PA a happy birthday. This oversight was inexcusable and for it we sincerely apologize. As compensation (and will be excludible IRC section 61 gross income) we would like to offer you one free foot massage at Box 2.

An anonymous friend suggested a great contest which we at PA would like to conduct: because oil companies are apparently making record profits, the game is to see who can be the first to come up with a cause of action against an oil company which will SURVIVE summary judgment (and presumptively lead to a sweet settlement).



House Cat on Politics

House Cat doesn't really know much about politics, nor does he usually care (unless you are trying to give his tax dollars to Jerry Falwell or put up the Ten Commandments on public property). He thinks that Bill Clinton seemed like a cool dude and bets that W was cool at one time too. Other than that though, he keeps his nose out of the political arena and in places where it belongs. But sometimes there is an issue that strikes close to his heart. When one of these issues arises, House Cat springs into action, gets the word out, and does all he can to keep the evil forces at bay.

I was alterted to this political crisis sometime last year, but at that time we didn't have such a notorious and powerful blog. I was reminded of it again yesterday by a classmate who finds it funny. As a Redskins fan, I find it no laughing matter and I agree completely with these folks that Heath Shuler should be kept as far away from Washington, DC as possible for his sake and everyone else in the city. As you can see by the statistics, DC is a much better city without Shuler's presence. Not only did Shuler play for Tennessee, but he also singlehandedly ruined the Redskins for a couple of seasons after he was drafted. In my (skewed) eyes he is the single biggest draft bust EVER and does not have a worthwhile bone in his body. He can only make DC and the rest of America a worse place so I plead with you to get the word out to folks in North Carolina's 11th District. Keep Shuler out of Washington, vote for his gun-toting, pot-smoking opponent, Michael Morgan.

Update: Due to my lack of political zeal I failed to notice that Shuler beat Morgan in the Democratic primary the other day. Now we should be pulling for the Republican candidate, Charles Taylor.

Tuesday, May 02, 2006


Are Mexican restaurants and illegal immigrants really mutually exclusive? Discuss...

No shit, then we better not piss off the Italians, Chinese, Thai, French, Japanese, or Germans then...or else all we'll have to eat is hamburgers and mashed potatoes (curses, those are Irish!)