Premature Adjudication

We're a bunch of law students who all live together and want to write a blog. Well, only three of us want to write, but the others may pop in occasionally. We have no true purpose, but I bet you'll see a lot about sports, current events, and general randomness. Don't worry bar admissions people we are both of high moral character and physically fit.

Sunday, April 30, 2006

Sex Toys

Sometimes kids toys just go a little over the edge and become disturbing. This version of the SuperSoaker, everyone's favorite kick-ass-water-gun-from-back-in-the-day, may take the cake. I like the first kid's reaction after getting shot. It's like he studied porn in order to learn how to take one like that in the chest.

The moral of the story: It's ok to pump and squirt all over your friends.


I'm going to give PartyBoy credit for this find because he sent it to me. I'm posting it because I know he won't... lazy ass.

Update: If the link above doesn't work for you, go to YouTube and search for "oozinator". Trust me, it's worth it.

Saturday, April 29, 2006

Crodie Broyle

Merrill Hoge just said on one of the million draft previews that he thinks our own Brodie Croyle will be the best QB in the draft when we look back in 3 yrs. He praised Brodie as having "anticipation, instincts, and awareness," forgetting that he is 6' 180 lbs, falls down into the fetal position when he is rushed, and has no touch on his ball whatsoever. This is the kind of prediction that is akin to throwing spaghetti against the wall to see if it sticks. If you're right about this crap, Merrill, you're a genius... if you're wrong everyone forgets. Well I won't forget. If Brodie actually plays regularly in the NFL w/in these 3 yrs and is still alive at then end, I'll eat my shoe.

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

My Anonymous Number Sucks

If I do shitty on my exams, I'm blaming it all on this terrible anonymous number. It isn't an unlucky number, it isn't really a significant number in any way, but it just plain sucks. It's boring and cumbersome and not really flashy at all. I need a number that will motivate me, not hold me down. Why can't the Law College do something cooler than anonymous numbers anyway? Why can't they give out secret code names like "Condor," "Red Leader," "Agent Zero," "Big Donkey," or something like that? Or give out names of famous people or athletes. I know I'd slam dunk exams if I had the name "King James". Of course, whoever got "Ricky Williams" would be screwed.

Sunday, April 23, 2006

Canadian Tuxedos Make for a Classy Law College

When I rolled up into the Law College front lot today after lunch, I saw a prominent Law College faculty member (KRD) wearing almost a full Canadian Tuxedo (sans jacket). Then, I show up to this absurd three hour Sunday primer class for my summer externship and one of the professors is wearing one too, and this one has two different shades of denim.

Now I know that I'm not one to talk to anyone about dressing up to go to the law college (as I usually look like a bum), but this level of dress seems absurd. I can understand a polo shirt and khakis, but a Canadian Tuxedo seems a little overdressed.

Little P and His Intimidation Tactics

I opened my door this morning and who was standing there on my front porch steps giving me a death stare but that masculine little feline Little Prothro. As I walked out the door, he sauntered off while continuing to stare me down. I don't know what got into his kitty litter, but he looked like he wanted to brawl. If there's one thing I've learned in life, it's don't go sparring with a stray cat... they go straight for your tuna can.

Friday, April 21, 2006

Lord Helmet To Receive Applications

What do Lord Helmet and Clinton Portis have in common? Neither one knows the difference between a secured credit transaction and a pop tart (although I guess I do know that pop tarts have frosting).

That being said, Lord Helmet is soliciting and accepting applications (please include a cover letter, transcript, and 2 recommendations) for a secured credit tutor. If you think you may be up to the task and want to join our team please apply today!

(experience in the martial arts, the ability to lift 40 lbs, and previous employment on the UCC Permanent Editorial Board is a plus).

Please advise.

Roll Chevy Roll!

Thursday, April 20, 2006

Police Blotter

I was reading my undergraduate school's online daily newspaper and ran across the police blotter which they post from time to time. These were the best entries from the past week. Enjoy.

April 13, North Park Street, 3:07 a.m.
Police were on-hand to assist an ambulance that had been requested by Safety and Security at McCulloch Hall in the East Wheelock cluster. While loading the 18-year-old female student into the ambulance, she reportedly spat on one of the assisting Fire/Emergency Medical personnel. The freshman was taken to [the hospital] and arrested for simple assault and unlawful possession by intoxication. The former charge was later dropped.

April 18, South Park Street, 8:42 a.m.
Police responded to a call from workers at the Hanover Co-op Food Store that reported a shoplifting at the store. Workers observed a 15 year old attempt to hide a Ben and Jerry's Half Baked ice cream bar and a pack of Trojan ENZ condoms in his clothing. Workers stopped him at the door when he tried to leave the store and he was placed under juvenile arrest when the police arrived.

Death, Destruction...Give Me a High Five!!!

This year, today is National High Five Day. So when you walk around today give everyone you see a high five whether it is Magic Man, Grundle, or some sea donkey you hooked with and never talked to again.

On a maybe-they-should-have-planned-better note, it is also Hitler's birthday and the anniversary of Columbine. Both great reasons for high fives... D'oh. Maybe next year they could put it on the anniversary of Pearl Harbor.

On a brighter note, it is my college roomate's birthday as well (how do you think I knew so much about this date in history?) Happy Birthday Wop... I wonder what you're doing later.

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

Casey At The Bat


The outlook wasn't brilliant for the law college nine that night,
The score stood 9 to 7, with but one inning more to play...

...and I'm not a poet so to make a long story short we fucking lost. Sucks.

I think my feelings can best be expressed by Tanner and Lupus from the ending of the original Bad News Bears: "Hey Yankees, you can take your trophy and your apology and shove it right up your ass! And just wait till next year!" Well, there really isn't a next year for us but whatever, like a great man named Crash Davis once said, "Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose, and sometimes it rains."

Write that down.

Okay, Ahmadinejad, I have about enough of your crazy antics

Okay, anybody else notice that this guy is INSANE? His latest: today he claims that while oil reaches a record high of SEVENTY-FOUR dollars a barrel, it is actually still UNDERvalued. Well, it is now that you said that, asswipe. Thanks a lot.

Oil is going to shoot up tomorrow. Hopefully, however, traders will not overreact too much, potentially swayed by expert opinions that Ahmadinejad is just using his oil rantings as a sort of commodity-hostage to gain leverage for his nuclear program.

In case you don’t follow international crises, this is the guy who was elected president of Iran and has since gone (or been revealed as) totally insane. He is a Holocaust denier who says that Israel should be “wiped off the map.” Whoa there tiger. How does he plan to do that? Well, nukes of course. His main policy initiative as president has been to try and develop nukes for Iran. Yippee! Well, in the spirit of full disclosure, he says he just wants nuclear energy for his people. Funny, they control the world’s oil supply, but they need nuclear energy. They want to wipe Israel off the map, but these are peaceful nukes. Riiigght.

Just last week he made this huge deal out of finally enriching uranium. This is a key step toward building nuclear weapons (but also toward nuclear energy). This all, of course, in violation of international law. Analysts say they are still years away from actually having the capability to build a bomb (they only have 3,000 centrifuges, apparently they need like 50,000) but it’s still pretty damn scary to me. The International Atomic Energy Agency is trying to reign him in a bit, but I don’t see them making much progress. The good news is that being president of Iran isn’t too much like being the president of the United States. It’s more like being president of a corporation where you still have to answer to the board of directors. Some creepy religious leaders actually run the country. Some analysts say some of these guys are uncomfortable with some of the stuff Ahmadinejad is doing, but I still don’t see any progress being made.

So, what I haven’t understood for a while is why haven’t we (the U.S.), or failing that Israel, done anything about this. I mean, does anyone else have the feeling that if Reagan or Bush I or Clinton were in there, they would have bombed these nuke sites like two months ago before any of this got to this level. W. just lets it escalate and escalate until the only option is total, all-out war. Now, we’re faced with a real threat and we have absolutely no international support because Bush already pissed off the entire world on Iraq. Even good ol’ Tony Blair has already said he can’t back military action. China and Russia are publicly opposed to our position. Awesome.

So why haven’t we just done something on our own? Well, apparently Iran can control the entire world’s oil’s supply by blocking off the Strait of Hormuz. I don't even know what that is.

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

New Law College Weight Loss Program

I'm expecting this email in my law college inbox anytime now:

In order to encourage skinnier, healthier students, the law college has
decided to turn the library into a sauna during exams so that you all can study
and lose that extra ten pounds. Direct any questions to the undergrad behind the circ desk. Oh yeah, and there's a tornado watch until
9:00 pm.

Circdesk

Monday, April 17, 2006

A Non-Baseball Related Question

I'm not a person who owns a truck, nor have I driven one more than once. I don't consider myself much of an expert so I thought I'd see if you who are more knowledgable would help me out. I keep seeing these commercials for Rhino Linings for truck beds. One of the advantages they list over "drop-in" truck linings is that the Rhino Linings won't fly out of your truck. What I want to know is whether or not that is actually a common problem. How often has anyone ever seen a truck lining just fly out of a truck? Seems to me like it wouldn't be a frequent problem. I've heard of a plywood board, meant for a beer pong table, flying off the top of someone's car on the Garden State Parkway, but a truck bed lining flying out seems a bit more absurd.

Don't Get On That Ship!!!



World's biggest cruise ship...gives everyone a semi...state-of-the-art...about to make its first transatlantic crossing...excuse me, but I hated this movie the first time I saw it...when it was called Titanic. Who in his/her right mind would get on that death-trap?

Irony is a fickle mistress, and suffice it to say I don't know if she can resist this one. What say you?

Best Invention Ever?


Have you ever stopped and wondered how many things we take for granted? Like 2-in-1 shampoo or double shit tickets? Well, the other night I found myself asking the subconscious question, "How the fuck did anyone think of this?" My curiosity has led to the query which I humbly present to you all this fine tax day: what is the best "fun invention" ever?

I vote for the ice cream sandwich (squeeze cheese was a close second and demanded a recount which was summarily denied).

Sunday, April 16, 2006

I Love Clinton Portis

I found this Clinton Portis interview on Chris's Sports Blog via Deadspin. I really don't know what to say other than that Clinton is the man and this is the funniest interview of all time. He really covers all the bases. You gotta respect a guy who had a stripper pole in his basement when he lived in Denver.

(To find the interview go to the link. It should say 4/14 Clinton Portis interview. Click to listen to it. Pretty easy.)

An Ode to Jeffery Maier

I hate you. I hate you. I hate you.

In he doesn't haunt your dreams like he does mine, Jeffery Maier is that little 12-year-old kid that reached over the wall in Yankee stadium during the Game 1 of the 1996 ALCS and stole a ball from Tony Tarasco. That ball, which was OBVIOUSLY fan interference and should have been an out, was ruled a homer by the incredibly incompetent umpire Richie Garcia, who was signing autographs for Yankees fans the next day (real impartial buddy). It tied up the game and the Yanks won it in extras. It took the wind out of the O's sails and even though they won the next game, they never really stood a chance after that. Instead of going back to Baltimore up 2-0, they went back 1-1, huge difference.

Because they were in New York, Jeffery Maier wasn't Bartmaned, he was celebrated. Where his behavior should have been frowned upon, they cheered it. Jim Bleeping Nantz interviewed him on TV. He wasn't kicked out of the stadium like he should have been for fan interference; instead, he gave out autographs. Leave it to Yankees fans to revel in an ill-gotten victory. Bunch of cheaters.

Baltimore had one more good year in 1997 where they won the AL East. Since then they haven't had a winning season and most people couldn't name any of their players besides Javy Lopez and Miguel Tejada. The Yankees, on the other hand, went on to win their first World Series in 1996 against the Braves (see you guys should be mad too) and start their now bloated and aged dynasty.

The reason I bring this up is that ESPN did a piece on Jeffery Maier this morning. Just a happy little Easter "screw you" to all O's fans. Maier is now a senior captain on the Weslyan baseball team and he broke the school record for hits (congrats, you go to Weslyan). He has a terrible goatee and tries to act like what he did wasn't a big deal. Says he tried to avoid the publicity when you could see on his smug little 12 year-old-face that he was utterly pleased with himself. Further, he didn't apologize for what he did. Maybe as a 12-year-old he thought what he did was cool. Nope, it wasn't you stupid punk. It was wrong. As bad as using steroids or a corked bat in my opinion. It was flat out terrible and you should grovel at the feet of O's fans for the rest of your life. I don't care if you're grown up now, you're still a piece of crap to me.

I hope the O's draft him on June 6, stick him in Ottawa and never let him out. That would make quite the statement... Don't mess with the Orioles.

Thursday, April 13, 2006

O-Dawg Enjoys 'Strong Medicine'

While taking care of business and reading the April 10th edition of SI this morning, I noticed a funny little tidbit in a short Q&A section with current Arizona Diamondbacks second baseman Orlando "O-Dawg" Hudson (on p. 31). When asked what he liked to do on off-days, O-Dawg replied:

I'll wash a few clothes, get that out of the way. I like a movie.
I'll watch a scary movie, then come back, watch Lifetime [TV Network] and chill.


So he likes to chill watching "Television for Women" and he admits it in the biggest sports magazine in the world. Way to be in touch with your feminine side O-Dawg.

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

R.I.P. Logan Young

Shocking news out of Memphis, TN which I am sure you have all heard. Logan Young, the booster responsible for Alabama football's most recent probation, was murdered in his own home two nights ago.

Though not a Capstone alumnus, Young is undoubtedly our most infamous "walk-on." I am not an expert on the Albert Means saga, but here are my final impressions on Mr. Young:

(1) He represents everything that is wrong with college football...an extremely wealthy and uneducated/unintelligent man (See also that fat fuck Jimmy Rane) who wants to be "part of the team" and feel like he has power to affect the operation of a major college football program.

(2) There is no telling who killed this bastard. It would not surprise me if he was involved with some other shady characters and this killing was part of some other business deal gone awry...however, it would also not surprise me if some meth'ed up redneck from Andalusia drove his '93 Ford up there and did it.

(3) Hopefully the Crimson Tide Nation can put all of this in the past and keep it there. Permanently. This is no doubt a sad story, but we have undoubtedly learned our lesson...the hard way.

(3) Oh yeah, and see you in hell mother fucker.

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

Warning, You Might Be Infected

Well, my computer has a virus, a nasty little thing that keeps sending me annoying pop-ups that can't be blocked and occasionally freezing my computer. I know you don't care about that, but apprarently this virus is one that you can get from reading a blog posted by someone with an infected computer (don't worry I'm in the computer lab right now). Sounds retarded, I know, but it's true. I got mine from that dirty fuck Tre! over at You Can't Get Arrested for Being Awesome; I should have known he'd give me a disease after the way he went through girls in college. So anyway, I just wanted to give you guys a heads up that maybe you should run a virus scan tonight and catch this thing before it spreads. Sorry everybody, I'll wear a rubber next time I post.

House Cat's Movie Reviews: Grizzly Man


This is a new feature that I can't promise I will do regularly or even often, but I wanted to share my thoughts of this movie with you. Grizzly Man is a documentary about a guy named Timothy Treadwell who went to Alaska every summer for 13 years to live with Grizzly bears. He thought of himself as a protector of the bears and pretty much wanted to be a bear himself. For the last 5 years he was there, Treadwell brought along a camera and got some incredible, up-close footage of him interacting with the bears and other wildlife. The irony of the whole thing is that Treadwell and his girlfriend got eaten by a pissed off Grizzly at the end his last summer. Oops!

The movie starts off talking about Treadwell's mission, to protect the bears in the summer and to teach about them for free in the offseason. In the beginning it portrays him as somewhat sane and noble, but as the movie goes on it starts showing you what a crazy fuck he was. The guy was an alcoholic who stopped drinking because of the bears or for the bears or something. Oh good, so he's stable (personally, I think he was still on drugs). He claimed that he wasn't in it for the money or fame, only for the love of the bears, yet took take after take of himself talking to the camera. That's not vain! He said that he'd rather be gay than straight (which was questionable at best) because, according to him, is so much easier for gay guys to go to a truck stop to get a piece than it is for a straight guy to seduce a woman. Sounds like Helmet. He wondered to the camera why women didn't want him. Hmmm, maybe because you go live with fucking Grizzlies for months at a time you crazy fuck. He cried whenever he would come across a dead animal. "Why? Why? It's not fair." Yeah it is; it's nature you wacko sonofabitch.

The best is when he went off on God, Allah, and "that Hindu floaty thing" for a drought that caused a famine among the bears, then professed to be their humble servant when it rained the next day. Or when he started painting his face and spying on poachers. Or when he just completely lost his shit on camera and starting screaming profanities at the Park Service. It became fairly obvious that Treadwell was such a fuck up that he just couldn't fit into human society so he went to live with the bears because it was the only place he could fit in. What I want to know is how did he first start living with the bears? It's not something you just do on a whim. At least not for a sane person.

As for the film making, I'm going to have to say it was subpar. It was directed and narrated by some German guy who tried to overdramatize the whole thing. It seemed like Treadwell's former friends and the coroner were coached in their statements. It was almost like they were acting or performing a dramatic reading rather than earnestly commenting on what they thought of Treadwell and the whole situation. Even though it sucked this way, you really can't fuck up a documentary that had the footage Treadwell provided. He had up-close interactions with Grizzlies who came right up to him while he held the camera. He also had great footage of families of foxes that he befriended during his summers there. There was some really great spontaneous footage involving all the animals. Made me kind of want a better relationship with the critters here at the Ranch.

All in all I thought it was really interesting and a pretty good watch. I'd recommend it to anyone, from the guy who likes real footage of wild animals to the guy who just likes to watch crazy people in action. I'll give it 2.5 paws (out of 4).

Monday, April 10, 2006

Uranus' New Ring...Ha!


No, this has nothing to do with Ephraim's body art...rather, the Ranch's favorite planet, Uranus, has a blue ring. Apparently, tiny particles generated by Uranus' moon, Mab, compose the blue ring. The particles range in size from "dust" to "chunks" according to the article.

Ok, seriously. I can't stop laughing. Anus...ring...chunks...this is all too much for my sophomoric and puerile mind to simultaneously digest. While this news is legitimately interesting for astronomy buffs and real astrophysicists, we birds of a feather who can only appreciate this for its comedic value must band together...I too sucked at calculus..so let's go give all the nerds who understand this stuff some big time wedgies. What say you all?

Strippers Lie??? Tigga Please!

Soooo it looks as though the skank that was busy hollering rape, using one hand to point at young affluent duke lacrosse players and signing a contingency agreement with the other may be fibbing just a little as to her version of the events. Reports indicate today that her fellow stripper skank had a different tale and that there may even be some photographic evidence coming down the pipe. (No pun intended) that she was damaged goods when she arrived at this gathering of reverends. Now these arent the kind of photos that give the wrong impression, like those that will undoubtedly blanket party girl's divorce attorney's desk one cold morning after party boy strolls in from the innisfree. Rather these are the kinds of pictures that make a young southern boy give a rebel cry of "Turn me loose!!! I did not rape that strippahhhhhhh!!!"

Now I'm sure most of you are not suprised by these revelations. After all, this skank is dancing in, what in stripper terms could only be called "rural" north carolina, and doing so in a freelance capacity at that. But for those of you who know Party Boy you know that I have an inherent belief in the truthfulness of strippers. Whose more honest than strippers??? I mean, just ask H. cat. (She damn sure tore you up, she just forgot to mention 'jason'.)

The real question is will the impending exoneration of these young pole toters from Duke stop the rampant stripper discrimination that the NCAA is currently engaged in. As the unoficial winner of the 3L superlative most likely to start an agency for women of the night I must stand up and be heard! One need only look at the earlier post involving the Colorado Golf Team to see what sort of horrible events can occur when the immoral NCAA seeks to pass judgment on something as pure as the art of exotic dancing. I sincerely hope that our cries will not be ignored.

On a totally unrelated note, I find the below blog more disturbing than JBC's love for giving my leg a two hole massage, Helmet's dimented and perverted idea of intimacy without touching, and House Cat's love for Miguel Angel Jimenez all put together. So check it out and take heed, you may not be able to look away. Click here.

And now I must bid ye adieu' for I must invent a way to nail Charlie Shrackle's ass to a liability policy before tomorrow night.

My Time Has Come

Gentlemen:
I now make my long anticipated 'first post' and worthily deserve the title 'blogger.' As a first order of business, I have made an important discovery -- there is a new unamed cat currently residing and hunting on the premises of the Drill Box. He is a fiesty young man and is quickly developing a reputation for not taking any guff from Socks, Little P, Garfield or the Beaver Dog. I am an eyewitness to the new cat's hunting prowess and I am extremely proud of him and his blossoming young career as a contender for HNIC. That said, while it is my duty to name the young cat, I have yet to do so and I am currently taking all suggestions and requests for a name. All seriously reccommendations will be considered. Further, I had a stare down with our beloved beaver dog last Thursday and I now know where he makes his bed at night. Besides knowing where he lives, I know also that he has a lazy boy and a flat screen t.v. I imagine too that he drinks Bullets in his abode and I certainly think that he engages Juan in a rousing game of darts. Of course the beaver dog wins.
So, I look forward to future blogging and I appreciate this opportunity.

DS

Darren Daulton To Speak At Bryce Hospital

Did anyone see SportsCenter this morning? Specifically the piece about Darren Daulton and how he has apparently gone BATSHIT INSANE? You remember Darren Daulton, the catcher for the Phillies when they were good during the early '90s? He played with the likes of Mitch "Wild Things" Williams, Lenny "Anyone Have an 8-Ball?" Dyskstra, and John "One Coin In His Purse" Kruk. He was also the catcher on the Florida Marlins 1997 World Champion team.

Daulton, now, is a proponent of Metaphysics...and not the kind contemplated by Aristotle or the post-Romantic European poets. Daulton believes that he exists in a parallel-type universe which allows him to jump through time, or as he called it, "astro travel." He also believes that the world will end some time in 2012. This is really only a sketch of his mania, but I think you get the picture.

In the spirit of intellectual freedom, let us assume that in every great farce there is at least an element of truth...well, this is the truth on Darren Daulton:

(1) He did mule-loads of blow in Philly, and don't you act like you didn't, Lenny Dykstra--right, you played with Strawberry and Gooden in NY...sure you didn't.
(2) He banged scores of fit (and undoubtedly some unfit) bitches back in the day (leads me to believe his psychosis is the result of some STD).
(3) He Mike Tyson'ed his wife with his Judge Learned Pimp Hand.
(4) He is a raging alcoholic.
(5) He has several felony DUIs.
(6) Must have done some 'roids too...and we all know how emotionally stable those things have made that little bitch Barry Bonds.

I don't know if you all are thinking what I am, but it is pretty clear this guy had many screws loose before the bugor sugar and hooker cocktails which he enjoyed for so many years...however, the cumulative effect of those did nothing but fan the flames of his already unstable constitution...and now he can time travel..it all makes sense.

Let us now stop and at least remember the accomplishments of this now shell-of-a-former-man. It is sad to see, but who knows, he could be right. I invite all of you to come hear Mr. Daulton speak at the Bryce rec center basketball court this afternoon at 3pm. Magic Man of Tuscaloosa will open the show. Punch and pie will be served.

See you on Endor you crazy son of a bitch.

Sunday, April 09, 2006

Stupid Consultants and Chunks of Falling Ice

To prevent this from quickly becoming an all sports blog, I feel compelled to direct our many readers to two good, quality articles -- one politics, and one totally random (but scary!).

The dominator is a Dem, no secret there. But he also hates national Dems for being total idiots. One of the main reasons the national Dems are such total spineless idiots these days has to do with the fact that they have allowed their party to be taken over by media consultants. Represented by folks like Bob Shrum and Tad Devine of Shrum, Devine, Donlilon (Mike Donilon actually pretty good), these vultures have sucked millions out of Dem campaigns and given us defeat after defeat after defeat. They like to take credit for John Corzine in New Jersey, winning the Senate and then the governor's race. Good job guys! You elected a Democrat in NEW JERSEY!! Anyway, here's a good article from Joe Klein (Time columnist who anonymously penned Primary Colors -- the novel/book on Clinton's '92 race) about how Dem consultants suck and how Republican consultants suck too, but not as much: link.

Now, in case your daily life is not scary enough, here's one about huge ice chunks falling out of the sky to add a little hysteria to your life: link.

Free Ryan Freel!

And the Reds wonder why they suck.

Small market? Low payroll? Shitty pitchers in a hitters park? Jim Bowden was their GM for a while? Sure, all good reasons. But add to that list shitty decisionmaking on a day-to-day basis. Take, for instance, their 2B situation. They have Ryan Freel, a guy in the past two seasons who has had a .375 (2004) and .371 OBP (2005) in 503 and 369 ABs respectively. Freel, in those seasons has managed to steal 37 and 36 bases while only getting caught 10 times in each year. Seems like a pretty consistent and valuable leadoff hitter right? I'd try to get him as many ABs as I possibly could; he can set the table and make things happen on the bases. But not the Reds. Oh no, they have to cut into Freel's ABs by giving time to Tony fucking Womack and his career .316 OBP. Womack's highest ever OBP in a season is .349 in 2004 w/ the Cards, but last year he had a .276 with the Yanks. Not only do they cut into Freel's ABs by playing Womack, but the Reds also insist on batting Womack leadoff. Brilliant. Yes he's fast, but what's the damn point if he can't even get on base at a respectible clip? You'd think that they'd want to have someone on base that Adam Dunn and Felipe Lopez can drive in.

Sorry I'm just bitter because Freel is on my fantasy team and doesn't get consistent starts even though he's already stolen 5 bases this year.


Update: Maybe they're still mad at Ryan for drunk driving last year. Nice mugshot buddy!

Phil Slam???


Bobby Jones is the only person to ever win the Grand Slam. He accomplished the feat in 1930 by winning both the U.S. and British Amateurs and Opens. No player has ever won the modern Grand Slam, which consists of the Masters, U.S. and British Opens, and the PGA. Tiger Woods, however, did win four consecutive majors in 2002-03 but not in the same year. He called his streak the "Tiger Slam." Well kiddos, we are halfway to the "Phil Slam." With his win today, and his victory in the last major of 2005 (the PGA at Baltusrol), Phil is halfway to equaling Tiger's streak of four consecutive majors.

Here are my final thoughts on the 2006 Masters: Fred Fred Fred. You did it to me again. You had without question one of the best ball-striking rounds ever in major championship golf (hitting 16 greens and barely missing the other 2), but missed 6 putts inside of 5 feet which prevented you from becoming the oldest Masters champion ever. I, like many thousands watching today, would have given my left nut for you to win. However, your putter let you down--bringing back memories of the 1990 PGA Championship at Shoal Creek where you missed 4 consecutive short par putts on the back nine on Sunday and allowed that douche bag Wayne Grady to win and then slip into obscurity.

Nonetheless, while it is sad Fred did not win, we must recognize Phil Mickelson for winning his third major (and 3 of the last 9 played). Two years ago Phil had not won a major and there were many who doubted he would ever win one. Now, Phil is wrapping his 7 wide tuna can in his second green jacket while he bones his hot wife. The British Open is the only major which does not set up well for Phil, but from the way things are going it would not surprise me if Phil won the career grand slam and perhaps as many as 6-8 majors by the time he is done.

One last thing...I, your humble Lord Helmet, have attended every Masters which Phil has won. I was there on friday in 2004, and was there on tuesday this week (last year I did not attend the tournament proper, but was lucky enough to play The National the week before the tournament with the Dartmouth Golf Team). I am curious to see how long this streak continues...who knows.

I'm spent. Please share your impressions and memories of the 2006 Masters.

You Mean He's Not Part of the Help?


I'm not a big golf fan, but I'm interested in the Masters this year because it is shaping up to be such a good finish. Also, Helmet and PartyBoy are so enthused that it has become pretty exciting for me. It doesn't hurt that it is a passable excuse not to outline Secured Credit either. I've always been a Mickelson fan so I'm kind of pulling for him, but I also like Freddy "Boom Boom" Couples who is apparently just as fratty as can be (go figure, I picked the two guys in the final pairing just like a frontrunner). I'd rather not see Tiger win because he always wins and is such a cocky fuck, but whatever. I can't help hoping that Miguel Angel Jimenez pulls it out though, just to see the look on Hootie Johnson's face when he has to give him the green jacket. I can just imagine Hootie wondering to himself how that dirty Spanish porn star even got on the grounds.

Saturday, April 08, 2006

Halftime at Augusta...86???

The first two rounds of the Masters are over. Today is Moving Day. The third round of a four round tournament is generally called "moving day" in reference to the way players try to position themselves for the final round. It is now a well-known fact the winner of the Masters has played in the last group on Sunday every year since 1991. This means that there is extra special emphasis on players trying to play a good third round in order to get as close to the lead as possible heading into Sunday.

My impressions thus far: FREDDY!!! FREDDY!!! I would love to see Boom Boom win his second Masters. He is 46 years old and if he won would be the oldest Masters champion ever (he would edge Jack Nicklaus by months). This brings up a coincidence which was mentioned on tv and is worth repeating here. Consider that Jack won in '86 at 46...Freddy is 46 and it is '06...and the kicker is that Freddy's player number this week is 86 (an essentially random number assigned to the players by Augusta).

If not Freddy in a tear-jerker, I like one of the big guns (Tiger, Phil, Ernie, Vijay) to pull this one out. It should be great golf.


Ok...so on to the best Sat-Sun of TV watching of the entire year...wait, shit taters! They are in a rain delay. I guess the rain which dominated Tuscaloosa late last night is now hammering Augusta. Son of a bitch bastard! Let's keep our fingers crossed that they will get some golf in today and we'll have good theater tomorrow evening. Roll Tide.

Friday, April 07, 2006

This Just In... College Age Males Visit Strip Club

In case you haven't heard, seven members of the University of Colorado golf team got suspended for going to a strip club while on a team trip out in California. Apparently they drove over 100 miles to go to one in San Francisco, which says just about everything I need to know about college golfers.

I'm sure these guys would love to thank their own football team, Duke Lacrosse, Baylor Basketball, Mike Price, Larry Eustachy, and a host of other idiotic student athletes/coaches for going so far overboard with their miscreant behavior that now a simple trip to a strip club (where nothing illegal happened, not even drinking) is considered a suspendable offense. We wouldn't want to think that these boys were doing anything improper, like acting like guys or something.

Of course, ESPN read the report on SportsCenter this morning so that they can set up yet another Outside the Lines for Bob Ley... "College Students Who Act Normal."

Thursday, April 06, 2006

Bush is a Leaker, Too!

Ever have one of those pees where somehow you just don't quite finish up? You zip up and are leaving the bathroom and a little bit leaks out, dribble dribble down your leg. Super weird feeling.

Well folks, have no fear, it turns out our president is a leaker, too!

Who would have thought? Another day and another huge political story.

For what seems like several decades now, the elite media and the Washington insiders have been obsessed over some "leak" story. Men who've had similar incidents to the one described above would perk up just for a second and then realize it had nothing to do with pee and tune out again. Basically, pretty insider story. Not the kind of thing you can "get your head around" like a blow job in the oval office. Oh, I kill me!

So in case you missed it, here's the quick background. This lady named Valerie was a CIA agent. Still is, maybe, who knows. She was undercover. Her husband, Joe (they have different last names -- not sure if that's b/c they're modern or because of some CIA undercover reason, doesn't matter), thought Bush was full of it in the lead up to the Iraq war, so he wrote a column in the newspaper chronicling a bunch of lies that he says Bush told to get America hyped up to kick Saddam's ass. It had to do with terrorists/Iraq/nukes/yellowcake (perhaps you've seen Dave Chappell talk about this as "Black Bush.") This article Joe wrote REALLY pissed off the Bushies, so they got to work leaking a bunch of shit out there. Mainly, it seems, they were leaking part of some intelligence briefing thing that supported the case they were making for war. But at one point, they also leaked the fact that Joe's wife was an undercover CIA agent. Oops! That sorta blew her cover. And double oops, it happens to be illegal as well.

So there's been this big investigation. Somebody named Patrick Fitzgerald investigates the hell out of the Bush administration. At first, it looks like Rove is going down -- everybody gets all excited -- but then it turns out they indict some dude named "Scooter" Libby. Scooter? I mean, seriously. Anyway, they indict Scooter (btw, it's one of those screwjob indictments like the one against Martha where they don't indict you for the actual crime they investigated you for, but for lying during the investigation of the crime that apparently they've determined you didn't commit...something about that doesn’t' seem fair to me, am I alone there?), and so he -- a top ranking vice presidential aid -- does what any of us would do. He starts blaming his buddies!

Today, it comes out that he's blamed Cheney and Bush, said they both authorized his leaks. Can you imagine having to explain that to Bush? Random aid: He says you authorized his leaks? Bush: What? I don't authorize any man's leaks! That's gross, potty talk.

But initial reports look like Bush only authorized leaks from the report to make war look like a better idea (who the hell wrote that report?) and not to expose Valerie. And to further complicate matters, apparently the president is allowed to "declassify" stuff. He's the president, makes sense. So maybe not that bad.

Well, here's the problem. Back in Sept. 2003, the prez said this funny thing about the whole situation: "There are too many leaks of classified information in Washington. There's leaks at the executive branch, there's leaks in the legislative branch, there's just too many leaks. I want -- and if there's a leak out of the administration, I want to know who it is. And if a person has violated law, the person will be taken care of."

Typical Bush. Not fire, not discipline, "taken care of." Geez, that sounds like they were gonna cap the poor guy. Scooter would probably prefer to be in jail than have to deal with being "taken care of." And does that mean Bush has to take care of himself? Maybe not, he did say, "if they broke the law," and since he's the prez, he can't really break the law when leaking. A prez can leak whenever they want.

The significance? Yet to be determined. If Dems have any balls whatsoever, they'll make a HUGE issue over this. Leak story just got mainstream. They don't need to talk so much about him "leaking," as opposed to say things like, "Bush is a liar" and "Bush is a hypocrite." That cuts at the main reason people like the prez anyway. But knowing my Dems, one of them will go out there and say something, the Repubs will tar and feather them on Fox and talk radio, and so the rest will run away crying, and the issue will die.

Oh, and one funny thing is to watch the Drudge site run away from this story all day. They have not had it (that I've seen) as their top story all day, putting stuff about immigrants, Katie Couric's replacement, etc. up there instead. But it's been at the top of the national wire all day (which means the press is ready for a feeding frenzy) and it's led Google News since this afternoon (which means the international Internet news community is all over it). So, should be exciting to watch.

And remember, to avoid being caught in a similar situation, always shake before you zip.

Sneak Attack


This morning, as required by my Integrated Financial Regulation class, I attended the second lecture in our law college's Meador lecture series. This year the series deals with fiduciaries and this one in particular dealt with trusts. That's not the point though. About five minutes into the lecture I was hit in the face with a tremendous dog fart. But being at this lecture I couldn't just pull my shirt up over my nose for fear of drawing attention to myself and looking like an idiot, so I had to grit, bear it, and hold my breath. There were only a few possible culprits in my general vicinity, but I'm pretty sure it was the salt-and-pepper haired man sitting in front of me. He seemed like an old pro as he gave no indication, not even a lifted cheek, that he was laying down a bomb. Chemical warfare at its finest.

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

The Prodigal Son Returns!

As many of you know, there is a gang of cats which inhabit our Fair Ranch. The most famous of these is a little grey male affectionately named "Little Prothro." We have not seen him in nearly a fortnight, and have been concerned that he may have been eaten by The Predator, a racoon, a possum, or the Bog (the half beaver/half dog which scares the bejeezus out of T. House Cat).

I am happy to report that I just saw him drag his 8 thick tuna can down Ranch Road (aka the Hershey Highway). He is presently trolling the bar scene between Boxes #3 and #4 for some ass.

God Speed Little Prothro! And Roll Tide!

Rekindling a Long Lost Romance


Anyone who knows me well knows that in college I had a GuineaWopDago roomate from New Jersey with whom I shared a love of baseball and game shows. We would sit around daily waiting for baseball to start and watching the Game Show Network 24/7. Morning classes would be scheduled around The Price is Right so that we could wake up at 11 (eastern) to Bob Barker's illustrious charm. We'd look forward to the Match Game episodes where Richard Dawson sat on the panel. We were awed at the intricacy of the Press Your Luck scandal. And of course, we debated the merits of Lingo and if Chuck Woolery could make any game show work.

Once I left college though, I fell out of touch with game shows. I no longer had that Wop to keep me focused. I got a job over the summer that didn't allow me to be at home in the mornings for The Price and the cable carrier at my mom's didn't carry GSN. Upon moving to law school I had almost totally forgotten about my passion for game shows. Occasionally I would get an IM from the Wop telling me about a Price is Right primetime spectacular, but I would shun them, no longer caring. I guess I thought I grew out of it.

But today upon turning on the TV, TiVo (in its infinite wisdom) was on GSN, reminding me what I was missing. For some reason I kept it on; I guess my subconscious was remembering the good old days. As I sat down to lunch, I saw Chuck Woolery in all his glory. He was hosting Love Connection, a show from his heyday. Sitting next to him was a pretty busted girl with 80s big, teased hair. She complained that guys only wanted tall blonds with "bodacious" boobs. She claimed that she was petite and brunette even though her hair was obviously dyed dirty blonde. There were three guys vying for her attention. One was jobless and from Boston. He took her to a bowling alley on a date in LA. That's class. I can't remember the middle guy. The last guy had a creepy ass 80s 'stache and was obviously sketchy. He had once been shot down on a public marriage proposal. If that doesn't say something about him I don't know what does. Anyway, she was working with 3 winners.

So when it came time for the audience to choose, they chose the shady 'stache guy. I guess they just couldn't resist the allure of lip hair and mustache rides. Man I love the '80s. The girl on the other hand chose the jobless schmuck from Boston. Apparently they had gotten romantic on their date. Bowling alleys must do that to 80s tramps. He was pretty pissed that Chuck and the Love Connection crew wouldn't pay for the date though. I guess you only get the free date if the girl AND the audience pick you. I kinda wonder what happened to those two. Maybe he got a job at the romantic bowling alley.

$64,000 Pyramid is starting now, too bad I have to go back to school. Man I forgot how much I love game shows. Especially ones from the 80s. Long live Chuck Woolery.

Delay Out: For Money? For Freedom? For the GOP?

Helmut has asked that I, the dominator, comment periodically on political goings-on. Since, there is a big story out there right now, here goes…

Tom Delay is out. As a Dem, that makes me REALLY REALLY happy. I hate that man. He’s bad (in the old-fashioned bad way).

But I will say this. As an Alabama Dem, I also hate prosecution for political reasons. We have a long history in Alabama. The Dems did it to Guy Hunt, then the Repubs turned around and went after Folsom and now Siegelman. It’s never good. And I don’t think it’s good in the case of this Texas DA going after Delay, either. That’s all a bunch of bunk, if you ask me. Those charges should be dropped. Politicians need to be able to do their job – which involves politics, like it or not – without fear that some up and coming prosecutor is going to try and make his OWN political career by taking down a giant.

But the investigation out of the very REPUBLICAN Justice Dept. is a little different. If they go after Delay, I guess that seems more legitimate. Still, it’s a little suspect to me because I don’t think it’s fair to use criminal RICO statutes designed to bring down mobsters to randomly prosecute different politicians for doing things that help their campaign contributors. If we want that to be illegal, then we should pass a law against it and put every politician in the country in jail. If it’s not illegal, then we should stop prosecuting random people and saying it is. But I digress.

The big question: Why is Delay getting out?

He says it has nothing to do with the investigation, and his supporters claim he’s doing it for the good of the party. He’s in a 3-way race and the Cook reports lists his district as one of only 12 in the country that is a “toss-up.” So maybe the “Hammer” really is just a faithful GOPer.

I don’t think so, however.

What about b/c he’s afraid the investigation is going to get him? I don’t think that’s it either. Although they have indicted two former aides (one a chief of staff) in a typical up the food chain prosecutorial style, I do not think in a million years that the Bush Justice Department would EVER actually INDICT Tom Delay. Just not gonna happen.

The real story:

The guy is in a shit storm and finally realizing how much it sucks to be a Congressman, especially a recently non powerful Congressman. You look at all your former aids making $5 million/year as lobbyists and you are sitting there in some crap-ass office pulling down like $150 with federal prosecutors up your ass with a 10-foot pole. You used to be the second or third most powerful man in Washington and now you’re basically a whipping boy for Democrats and the liberal media. What would you do? I’d jump ship in a heartbeat. Watch for Delay to show up really quickly at a high profile Republican lobbying firm and for Justice to issue a formal “Delay is not a target” letter. Remember how good he was as Majority Leader, can you IMAGINE how much money that man can make as a lobbyist (assuming the Elephants keep control of Congress).

So, that’s the first political blog…

What the hell is David Ortiz?

Is he a Red Sock? Surely not.
A Red Sox? Uh, doesn't seem right either.
Perhaps a player for the Red Sox?
Maybe, a member of the Boston team.

PB's Ramblings

The Wednesday morning rants of an old man

First, did I miss something or has it become customary for people to explain the origin of their nicknames? I think this is particularly troubling when it seems as though this is a self given name. I find this act of chicanery to be deplorable and should warrant expulsion or at least a short suspension for "the dominator". At the least he should be given a new name. Suggestions?

Second, Helmets literary musings about Augusta have signified the official start of spring in the south. Is their anything better than the Masters? I find this to be especially true when party girl is going to Atlanta for the weekend and I get CBS in hi def. I only ask that no one burn my house down.

Third, I've decided there are at least 5 chicks on the golf channel that I want mouth hugs from. Is that wrong?

Fourth, a little belated but, allow me to explain the story of how Helmet and I arrived home Thursday night. See Helmet's previous post of "Head...Hurts" below. We leave the free as the lights are flickered only to find that we've been abandoned by our loyal friend that shall remain nameless. We then, obviously using our drunken charm that we're famous for, schemed a ride with a girl who called herself, "a cool second year." After a random conversation between the helmeted warrior and this good samaritan we arrive at the ranch. At this point, Helmet sees fit to lean over and plant one on this poor chick mid sentence. Then silently and quickly after his assault, gets out of the vehicle and went to what we can only assume was a interesting slumber. I tell this story so that maybe I can just refer the grand jury to the blog rather than having to go to the courthouse.

So here's to the classiest weekend of the year and to all of us waking up in random places at least 4 times.

Front-Wiper Rebuttal

This is bullshit.

First, you cite some bunk internet survey for your statistics--equals ZERO credibility.

Second, you have no concept of the various options presented a front-wiper, i.e., back to front and/or front to back. Utilization of BOTH procedures conclusively removes any chance that the taint will not be properly cared for.

Third, and most important, what you uppity back-wipers neglect to tell everyone is that after you reach around and wipe you (one in particular, based on his Spring Break testimony) then bring the soiled shit-ticket around and out of the porcelain--raise it to your FACE--and proceed to INSPECT it to determine the amount of hot feces still remaining in your slot.

Any competent front-wiper does not need to take such extreme measures. Shit-tickets go straight from the brown-eye to the bowl--no questions asked. End of story.

I recommend all of you back-wipers go to this website: youlookatyourownshit?@dudethatisfuckedup.net

Later taters. I'm out. I hate you all.

Live From The Masters

I have returned. First, please welcome the dominator, as he is currently staining the shit out of the blog. Second, RIP ye olde possum. More beer for the rest of us. On to the golf!

The weather this spring has been outstanding and it was no surprise that the National was in tip-top shape. Probably the best I have ever seen it. Here are my impressions and the highlights from the day:

The bunker on number 1 is basically out of play now that the tee has been pushed back, again.

Numbers 4 and 7 will play at least half a stroke over par-- #4 has been pushed back 40 yards (I hit a 4 iron from the old tee last year) and #7 will require most players to hit a middle iron to a green designed to receive only short irons and sand wedges. Tough.

The greens should be bricks by the start of play tomorrow--there is no rain in the immediate forecast and it is dry, warm, sunny, and windy--a perfect recipe for firm greens. Some of the more severe complexes like 5, 9, 10, 14, and 17 could see speed issues reminiscent of the US Opens at Olympic and Pinehurst.

The primary result of the dry conditions, however, will be that the shorter hitters will definitely be in the tournament--not exactly what Tiger wants to hear, but the firm conditions will still favor Phil as the emphasis on the short game will be a premium. Look for a Furyk--Toms--DiMarco style player to be on top after Friday's play. Perhaps a young foreigner like Adam Scott could make a statement.

The best thing I saw yesterday was the group of Ernie Els, Retief Goosen, Trevor Immelman, and Gary Player playing the par 3 16th hole. It is Masters tradition that the players, after hitting their approach shots, attempt to skip a second ball across the water. All four players hit their skip-shot simultaneously, with Player's ball making it across and finishing a foot away from the hole. Pretty good scene.

The best group of the day included Tom Lehman (this year's Ryder Cup Captain) playing with Ryder Cup mainstays David Toms, Davis Love III, and Chris DiMarco (who was decked out in Florida Gator garb...sweet). We saw them putt on 11 and hit to 12 (only DL III hit the green).

We also saw Phil hit bunker shots for about 15 minutes on the range and that was spectacular. He was flanked by short game guru Dave Pelz. Also saw Ernie hit balls which was awesome, as well as Vijay--who may have the best tempo I have ever seen. His swing is very much built around timing, which explains why he hits so many balls and has developed such amazing rhythm.

This could certainly be an outstanding Masters. I look for one of the big guns like Phil, Ernie, or Retief to win this one. It should be a great back nine on Sunday. Enjoy.

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

Not That We're Watching Women's Basketball

But from what we've heard the ladies champtionship game is 10x more exciting than any of the men's final four games. Especially when that Maryland freshman hit that cold-blooded three at the end of regulation. Of course, from what we've heard it took over two minutes and forty seconds for either team to even score in overtime, so maybe it's not that exciting. But it's close. And down to the wire. Maybe that's what we're looking for. That is if we were watching.

Don't get us started on that exciting LPGA finish that we didn't watch last week...

Monday, April 03, 2006

We Hardly Knew Ye

Living at the Ranch, there are sometimes casualties. Generally they are in the form of mid-coitus grasshoppers, mosquitos, or someone's dignity. But this afternoon there was a far more significant loss. One of the Ranch critters, the friendly possum without a name, was brutally mowed down by Sarg's Tahoe. We can only think that as he lay bleeding from the mouth and dying, our nameless possum wondered to himself how the huge black metal box with the wild eyed driver snuck up on him so fast.

R.I.P. Little possum

Good God Almighty Show Us That Awesome Dunk

Okay, anyone notice while watching the national championship game tonight that EVERY single dunk made was replayed 3 times in a row from 3 diff. camera angles (same as in the earlier final four games) EVERY dunk, that is, EXCEPT the best damn dunk of the whole tournament, maybe the best dunk of the season, maybe the best dunk ever in a college basketball game. (In case you were in a cave -- or playing softball during the game -- I'm talking about the UCLA in-bounds play where that dude jumped over Noah's head.) But I'm never going to know how good of a dunk it was b/c the idiot producers at CBS won't replay that. Replay every dunk 3 times, but not the best one of the night. Idiots.

Helmuth is a front-wiper

Lord Helmuth admitted recently on Spring Break that he is a front wiper. Only 27 percent of men and WOMEN are front wipers, which makes the Helmuth a freak. I imagine most of those are women anyway (no balls to get in the way), so that makes Helmuth a double freak.

How do you stack up? Take the bathroom survey.

The Blog Nazi

T. House Cat is the blog nazi. That was my first post, the thing about my nickname, the dominator. And all he can do is criticize, criticize. Even dominators can get their feelings hurt, nazi man.

Here is an excerpt from his criticism:

The dominator: yeah, dude
easy peasy japaneasy
T. House Cat: how?
i understand how to change the italics, but the color?
The dominator: uh, in the little window i just changed the font and stuff
just changed the color
T. House Cat: i'm not sure i'm a fan
The dominator: like, there is a color thing there
T. House Cat: looks weird
The dominator: well, i dont know what the fuck im doing, so gimmei a break
we dont want a boring looking blog
T. House Cat: its ok, it can be fixed
The dominator: dont fix it
T. House Cat: i'm not
The dominator: that's how dominator rolls
T. House Cat: not very team oriented though the dominator
drawing attention to yourself over the other bloggers
The dominator: uh, im the dominator
thats obviously what i do
T. House Cat: yup
T. House Cat: blog nazi huh?
if i was a blog nazi i'd actually change it
The dominator: dude, you made me sad about my first blg
blog
you are too critical
T. House Cat: i'm sorry, don't be sad
it is my passion for blogging that makes me critical

Broken Bottles and Shattered Dreams to Change Name

By The Ranch, AP Writer

T-Town (AP) - That blog, Broken Bottles and Shattered Dreams (BBSD), that you don't read has decided to change its name in an effort to attract more readers. According to sources, Lord Helmet, who is unsatisfied with the blog's performance, introduced a motion on April 2, 2006 to reconsider the naming of the blog. He argues that the current name is too much of an inside joke and probably not funny enough. After a vote of 2-0, the members of the Ranch who actually care decided to change the name to 'Premature Adjudication' in honor of a more obviously funny Ranch inside joke. These changes will occur immediately.

In a related matter, sources report that T. House Cat will raise a motion to change the blog's URL to reflect the name change and provide better continuity. The motion is expected to pass as only 4 people outside of the Ranch have the current URL.

New York Yankees Preview

Screw the Yankees. I hope Derek Jeter gets Syphillus from his boyfriend and spreads it around the team.

Baltimore Orioles Preview

In contrast to Helmet's bleeding out the ears optimism about the Braves (which I can understand) I will give you my bleeding out the ass pessimism about the Baltimore Orioles, a team which plays in the hardest division in baseball and hasn't had a winning season in 8 years.

Front Office: First off, we got rid of Jim Beattie, who probably wouldn't pull the trigger on an Erik Bedard for Albert Pujols trade unless he had 2 weeks to think about it, promoted Mike Flanagan, and brought in Jim Duquette who seems to know what he is doing. Overall an upgrade, but does it really matter when Peter Angelos is your owner?

Manager: Sam Perlozzo replaces Mazzilli. While I think he's better than that Yankee (who I suspect was still working for his former team), Perlozzo has been part of our losing for years and will probably continue the trend. I also don't think he has the stones to let the young guys play as he will probably give the 40-year-old Jeff Conine 500 ABs this year. Brilliant.

Coaches: Leo Mazzone, nuff said. Have fun with Roger McDowell Helmet.

Lineup:
C - Ramon Hernandez - New addition who can handle a pitching staff and put up above average offensive numbers. I think it was a good pickup, but the 4th year might be a little much. Of course, we have to give that 4th year because we're the Orioles and no one wants to play here.

1B - Kevin Millar/Jeff Conine platoon? - Who knows. These guys are both old and subpar to say the least. But at least they are good "clubhouse guys" who bring a good "veteran presence." Joe Morgan is currently touching himself.

2B - Brian Roberts - Two words: Man Crush. If he comes back from that arm injury and plays near where he did last year I'll be ecstatic. If he comes back and gets on base at a high clip I'll be happy too. He just gives it his all.

SS - Miguel Tejada - Disgruntled superstar who was tricked into signing with a team he thought would try to get better. Suck it up; you're making $12 mill a year.

3B - Melvin Mora - Love this guy, too bad he's asking for an extension at $9-10 mill a year when he's 33 or something. Of course, he has quintuplets so he needs extra money for diapers. All around though, great guy and an above average 3B.

LF - Nick Markakis - The rookie. Expecting big things, but won't be disappointed if he just gets on base and plays good D. He doesn't need a lot of pressure on him.

CF - Corey Patterson/Luis Matos - A couple of retards with enormous talent and no heart. Patterson is a washed out former #1 prospect who's cocky despite the fact that he batted .215 last year and can't even get on base at a .300 clip. Matos is talented, but lazy as shit. Someone has to win this battle of mediocrity and somehow I bet it's the shittier one.

RF - Jay Gibbons - If he stays healthy we can expect 30ish homers and 100ish RBIs. Of course, that's if he stays healthy. I think he has back problems just holding up those ears.

DH - Javy Lopez - His transition to 1B was put on hold because the O's brass is scared. He hates to DH though and hits like crap when he's there. Great.

Starting Pitching:
We have 5 quality starters, which is our strength. No #1's, but a bunch of guys who can keep us in games.

Rodrigo Lopez - Solid, throws a lot of innings, wins games. Looked good in the WBC, but had a 4.90 ERA last year.

Erik Bedard - Talented, but isn't driven. Started out last year on fire, but then got injured like a little bitch.

Kris Benson - I bet he gets just BLOWN UP in B'more. His soon to be ex-wife is insane and he's moving to the AL. Could be a Mazzone project though.

Daniel Cabrera - Most potential on the staff and possibly in the AL. Lot of people picking him to do big things. He has the stuff, but can't hit the broad side of a barn at times.

Bruce Chen - The Panamasian. Soft-tossing lefty who is just solid. I don't think he'll be as good as last year, but he may be the best 5th man in the league.

Bullpen: Youngun Chris Ray (of W&M fame) anchors the bullpen that lost BJ Ryan to Toronto (who spent money like they were Paris Hilton). Latroy Hawkins might be a good setup man, Todd Williams is already injured, Sendy Rleal looks like he has some talent, but I'm sure you don't care. I don't even think I do. The rest of the guys are your regular, run of the mill scrubs.

Conclusion: First Place in the AL East, in 2052 after New York sinks into the ocean and Boston catches on fire. We'll probably end up in 4th. Optimistically I think we have a ceiling of 85-87 wins, but we'll probably end up with 75 and another losing season. Maybe my Brian Roberts t-shirt jersey will be lucky this year.

Atlanta Braves Preview

Today the Atlanta Braves begin their quest for a 15th straight division title (at 3pm central against the Dodgers at Chavez Ravine). Every year Bobby Cox (or Cobby Box as T. House Cat calls him) finds a way to win with the team that genius GM Schuerholz provides him. This year shall be no different. Here is LH's official Braves preview:

Pitching: The starting rotation will be solid. Hudson will win 20 games and contend for the Cy Young, Smoltz will pitch 200+ innings, Jorge Sosa will have a break-out year, and Kyle Davies will cement himself as the future of the Braves staff.

Defense: A young defense will have some questions to answer. It starts behind the plate with one of last year's Baby Braves, Brian McCann. Schuerholz has so much confidence in him that he dealt Jonny Estrada (who was acquired for Kevin Millwood from the Phillies 2 years ago) to Arizona (I think) in order to make the position McCann's for as long as he wants it. Chipper is back at home at 3d while Edgar Renteria replaces Rafey Furcal at short. LaRoche will play every day at 1B (so sad that Julio Franco's right hand bat at first will be gone). The outfield will be solid--anchored by A Jones in center, Franceur in right and the platoon of Johnson/Langerhans in left.

Hitting: The two questions are Giles at lead-off and LaRoche hitting behind Jones. If those two are successful, run production will not be a problem. The Jones Boys will both have good years and look for Franceur to really heat up the stats and be an All-Star in July.

There you have it folks, that's what I see. I will constantly update you throughout the season.

And someone go get Skip Caray a bourbon--he goes on the air in like 5 hours!

Sunday, April 02, 2006

Phil Mickelson's Tuna Can

Phil Mickelson just won the BellSouth Classic by 13 shots. Shit! Needless to say, he should be the favorite going into next week's Masters. He seems to be controlling his trajectory and distance with the irons so well that as long as he doesn't go brain-dead on the slippery greens he should be in within a few shots of the lead going into the weekend. It will be interesting to see if he keeps the two drivers (one to hook and one to fade) he had in the bag in Atlanta in Augusta. I think it is unlikley given the emphasis on short game at Augusta.

Stay tuned for my report from Augusta National when I return on Tuesday night. Please advise if you would like me to bring you back a famous Augusta National Pimiento Cheese Sandwich.

It's Opening Day!

"This is the day we've all been waiting for...it's Opening Day." --Coach Roy Turner from Bad News Bears (the '76 original BNB, not the Billy Bob abomination). Tonight the White Sox take on the Indians to open the 2006 season. I have one prediction--the Braves will win the World Series. Dunzo.

If you don't already know this about me, today is my favorite day of the year. Write that down. The Final 4 and the Alabama A-Day Game were yesterday--we get daylight savings time back today--the Braves start the season tomorrow--and I'm going to the Masters on Tuesday--I'm pretty sure I've died and gone to fratboy heaven! I'm getting Bama football, Final 4, more daylight, the Braves, and the Masters all in the span of 4 days. Brilliant!

P.S. I'm pretty sure I heard Billy Packer say "tuna can" more than a few times last night...

Saturday, April 01, 2006

Billy Packer Loves Fire Hoses

Did anyone else notice how many times Billy Packer talked about Florida's "length" in the first half against George Mason? At one point he even said they had "long length." I assume he was talking about their kick stands and pogo sticks. We all know that "Fudge" Packer loves those. Especially Joakim Noah's.